Busy….
In a few short weeks, I’ll be returning to the US and am finding myself preparing for that re-entry. The time I have left is perhaps more vacation than many people in the US take! I read last year that less than 20% of American’s take all the vacation allotted to them. The US is a working culture and doing nothing or relaxing in a “doing” culture is extremely difficult for many people.
I’m realizing that in traveling since December 1st, I’ve not once heard the word “BUSY”. Once I return home, it’ll be the most common thing I hear. “How have you been”? “OH, I’ve been soooooo busy”! Hm, what does busy have to do with living. I come to imagine it as a “purple heart” award for those really busy people who are, well, busy!
When I return from a trip, I’ve often gone a month or more before having a real conversation with some friends. They are too “busy”. “I’ll call when I have time”! I’d prefer they call when they have a life, time for a life, time for a little more presence so we can connect. I’m preparing myself for that, it’s a contagious condition in America.
I’m imaging people getting a gold star for being busy! In recognition of their busyness, the star is placed on their forehead for all to appreciate. Then, no one would have to ask how they have been, they’d merely look to the forehead and see how many stars there are!
A pet peeve of mine has to do with the person too busy for the phone who still uses it. I’ve called people who answered their phone only to tell me they were too busy to talk! “Then why did you answer it” I wonder? I’ve also had calls from people to tell me they were too busy to talk!
Does “busy” take on a life of it’s own? My friend Teddi and I have talked about how people get so used to the adrenaline buzz of going and going, maybe that’s part of the busy challenge. They love the adrenaline and peace, stillness or ease feel uncomfortable? Thoughts to ponder…..
My friend Nora reminded me after the census five years ago or so about one unusual and striking statistic that emerged. The national average for men who work until 65 before retiring, the average length of time they live after retiring, was 18 months. Working for what or toward what? Postponing life until I retire? Some interesting things in that statistic to contemplate.
Fresh insights into work….
About my work, here are a few things I notice myself talking to others about. It appears these are things I’m getting clear about. Being completely away, not doing any planning or preparation or facilitation, traveling in a completely different culture, separation has given me freedom of a fresh perspective. Most of the time, I don’t even know what day it is!
As I talk to new friends, I’m paying careful attention to the words coming out of my mouth. “Are these the same words I always have used to describe my work” is one thing I’m aware of. The other thing I’m noticing is THIS moment. In THIS moment, what am I clear about and am I expressing that well.
I started providing corporate facilitation and training about 1990. For 13 years before that, I was involved in teaching, education, wilderness training and facilitation. I’ve been doing this work for a long time and have loved it.
For the past several years, I’ve noticed more and more moments while I’m in the middle of facilitating a program where I have a sort of “out-of-body” experience. In that experience, part of me is in the background looking at me, the room, the participants, the energy of what is happening in the room, the focus and energy I’m experiencing and asking this question, “What in the hell are you doing HERE doing THIS for”? Now, I’m aware of just how often that has happened and how awkward it feels. I’m also aware of how quickly I’ve pushed that to the background and moved on.
Traveling, there’s been no background to push it to, no busy activity to cover it up with. With time, thoughts and feelings like that perk up to the surface for contemplation and resolution. I’m not clear what the final resolution is at this point. I am clear that it is resolving so continue to notice the words I use to describe what I do/did.
Problems…..
As I describe to people what I did in the past, this is one thing I’ve heard myself speak often. I don’t get called unless people have “problems”. Only a few times in the past 20 years have I heard from clients who are working together well, they are productive and have good work relationships but they know they can get better. “Can you come help us get to the next level”? WOW! I’d love to do more of that!
People……
From the beginning, when I was told by speakers and facilitators and friends that I had to specialize. Well, it was more like you HAVE to specialize!!! Pick an area of expertise, learn more about it that anyone, have a target area and get known as the expert in that area. One man who gave me that advice specialized in trade shows, how to get the greatest bang for your buck by how you presented yourself at trade shows. That was his specialty. He also talked about how his business wasn’t doing as well as he would have liked and wanted to make more money. In the course of that conversation he revealed his belief that you never talk to an audience, you are talking to “prospects”. And talking to prospects, you are selling your next program, your books or tapes, your consulting or speaking. No wonder his business wasn’t doing great! People always know if they are important to you or merely represent a means to an end, the end of selling something and getting some money from then. If they don’t feel valued by you the speaker, they won’t value you either.
The expertise meant the most to me was “people”. So, I told my friends I was going to focus on people skills. After all, people skills were essential to organizations in every field whether government, non-profit, corporate, educational, trade association, medical, essentially every field requires people to work together effectively to be effective.
I started there and realized how much work I needed to do myself to be capable of helping others.
Drama…..
Putting those two things together became a pattern for how I noticed myself describing my past work. I’ve focused on he people part of work: relationships, communication, listening, conflict resolutions, working effectively as teams, personal accountability, growing yourself and moving forward; those have all been themes I enjoy the most.
I do’t get called unless people have problems. Generally, their problems center around people, conflict, hard feelings, inflexible attitudes, blaming and such. Their problems often exist because they have communication challenges and can’t talk to each other!
So, they call me or people like me. The motivation for change often isn’t there and it takes a lot of work to help them get to a place where they recognize change isn’t about the other person, it’s about the self! Change your reaction, change your response, change your methods, become clear on an outcome that would work for everyone, ask questions that help understanding, stop communicating to win and communicate to reach some clarity…..those are the things I focus on.
Traveling and describing my work, I realized that part of the reason doesn’t happen: people love the drama! If things changed, they would have to create another drama! In the past year, I’ve asked that of several groups I’ve worked with! “How many of the problems you are dealing with don’t change because you like the drama associated with them? If these things went away, would you miss the drama and create something else to take it’s place”? Those questions have been met by laughter and giggles because they get to the heart of the matter. Take away complaining and many people will complain about having nothing to complain about!
My friend Doug Krug once used this example with a group to demonstrate a similar point about complainers complaining. “There are people in organizations who would respond like this to a bonus. They worked hard, accomplished and completed a task so you wanted to give them some kind of reward. You decided to go to the bank and get crisp $100 bills and personally hand then out to individuals and thank them. Complainers would react to your generosity and gratitude by saying, “Oh, look what you have done to me now! Now, I have to go get change”!
In those cases, the person in the room with the greatest motivation is me. I see the potential and possibilities. I’m attempting to help people see a different path and find ways to get there. Often, my efforts are met with reasons why things won’t change, “you don’t have my manager” type comments, blame, finger pointing, defending questions like “well, what would you do if……(fill in the blank)” and so forth.
Being away, I’m realizing how frustrating that is. “Do you want to make things better or don’t you”?!
There are always people in the room who sincerely want to improve. I thank them all for they are the reason I’ve kept doing this. Now, I’m wondering if those few are enough?
Growing and moving forward…..
So what else? What else would I get involved in if not training and facilitation? That’s the million dollar question! What I’ve gotten clear about from the deep, connected and nourishing conversations I’ve had is that I want that feeling from my work!
What is that feeling? Me being even more “ME”, not censuring my thoughts and words before I speak to people, being able to work with people who are interested and committed to moving forward, connections that energize and nourish, that’s what I want.
Ease and relief as guidance….
My practice has been taking that feeling, every time I’m experiencing it, and imaging I’m speaking and living from that place even more in the future. It’s been a great practice! In some manner, that’s been missing when I considered doing more keynote speaking in the past. Speaking felt like “work” and it can’t be for me to do it well. The times I’ve had my greatest experiences speaking, there was no time, I was fully there, I didn’t really know what I was going to speak about but the words and stories were always there.
That’s what I want and will do! As with this trip, I’ve landed in cities with no real plan for where to go and how to get there. When I’ve stopped and surrendered to being at ease in that situation, the situation has always resolved itself! I’m taking that home as a reminder for me as well. The greater a sense of ease I’ve traveled with, the more flow I’ve experienced in my travels.
That’s become my guidance system, the awareness of ease in my life and the lack of resistance. I changed my plans abruptly this morning. Last night I didn’t sleep well. I woke often and was awake from about 3:00 until 5:00 am. When I slowly woke in the dreamy state still close to the slumber consciousness, I realize I didn’t feel right about travel today. Trusting that feeling, I went to the Perama bus ticket office, changed my ticket until tomorrow and immediately felt a sense of relief.
Rather than pack and travel, I went back and jumped into the pool to start my day. Then, I learned that a naming celebration is happening today for Dewa’s 1 month old son and, YES, I’m invited to attend. And then I came here to Artini’s for a chai and have been writing for several hours.
Listening to that sense of ease and peace, that’s what I will do when I get home. From that place, everything works out!